God of the gray

The Last Judgment, 16th Century
State Tretyakov Gallery

Justice evokes strength, power, and judgment, but is that what we really want? In my younger years, I longed for justice, because I perceived myself on the winning side of that sword. This cleansing of evil would bring about peace, so I would cry out, “How long O Lord will you refrain from judging?”(Revelation 6:10) Justice is the path to peace, right?

There are times when I miss the simplicity of my early 20’s when everything was black or white, right or wrong, good or evil. Now in my mid 30’s, everything looks gray. A teenage girl pregnant out of wedlock - this is not a character in a story to me because I have counseled girls in my lifetime in those circumstances, only there were no angels talking to their loved ones. I assume the angel of the Lord did not reassure everyone in Mary’s community, so whoever else knew she was with child prior to “knowing” Joseph probably also whispered similar words of judgment and looked at her with the same haughty eyes. When justice comes, the experience may be shame instead of peace, pain instead of healing.

I think the problem is that I can no longer deceive myself of my own righteousness. As I get older, I relate more to the sinners in the stories than the saints. I admire the holiness of the faithful, but I am self aware enough to know my thoughts, actions, and deeds do not resemble theirs. I went from not understanding why the Israelites constantly doubted God even after all the miracles that He performed to going through my own bouts of disbelief in the existence of God. I want peace in the world and in my soul, but it is scary thing to be a sinner in the hands of a "justice" God.

“God is with us.” All of us. There is no place He is not. He has united himself with the righteous and the unrighteous. He has poured out his love on the sinner and the saint. He is there with me when I am serving Him faithfully, and He remains with me when I fail Him miserably. God’s justice looks like God the Son “emptying himself by taking on the form of a slave, by looking like other men, and by sharing in human nature.”(Philippians 2:7) This great mystery reveals that God’s justice is not like ours. I find peace in the incarnation, because it turns everything on its head. Saint Athanasius wrote, “God became man so that man might become god.”(On the Incarnation, 54:3) These two things that are so entirely different in essence are forever united together opening a whole new world of possibilities.

The justice of God looks like peace.
The judgment of God looks like mercy.
God looks like us.
God is gray.

Author: Koob Yohannes, Social Studies Department, Campus Ministry Team