Fear, Commitment, Freedom

In the first reading for today, Isaiah shares the Lord’s perspective on our commitment to Him and His ways. He says that if we do these things that the Lord presents to us “then light shall rise for [us] in the darkness, and the gloom shall become for [us] like midday.” Basically, to me, he is saying: make this commitment and you shall be set free.

So, it’s the Saturday after Ash Wednesday and I’m sitting here still deciding “what to give up” for Lent. Seriously? Again? Every year I tell myself that I will have that figured out before Lent begins so that I can start from the beginning this year and not waste my opportunity for growth and deepening during Lent. And as I sit here I am trying to figure out why I have stalled on making the commitment, yet again. As I reflect I realize that two primary things are governing my actions: fear and fatigue.

Fear of commitment has come in many forms for me over my life. We can all think of the obvious ones: fear of commitment in a relationship, to a class, to a hobby, to a cause… the list goes on. Once, while sitting in mass a wise pastor shared that commitment was actually the truest path to freedom because once committed to something, the chains of indecision and unlimited possibilities do not control us, we can now truly live without wandering blindly without purpose or cause, we can live without wondering “what if…” Commitment, he shared, is also the best practice of our free will. When we choose something we exercise our free will, which is the greatest gift of love. These reflections have never left my mind and my heart. Every time I consider these ideas I am more aware of the truth they offer. Feeling directionless is the most stifling, terrifying and imprisoning feeling I think I have ever felt. It is almost as if my life has no meaning. I think I’m free when I have no attachments, but in fact I am more imprisoned. The seeming irony is quite profound and overwhelming. Isaiah is clear that making a commitment to the ways of the Lord will set us free and we will flourish.

Fatigue is another barrier to my freedom. We all do too much, way too much and we think that the more we do the more worthy we are. From the Ignatian standpoint, we think magis means more in a simple sense: do more, be more, have more, raise more money, etc. but every time I do more I end up less free; I run myself into the ground and soon I am so tired and so disillusioned that I am trapped and fearful of making yet another commitment, even if the commitment in front of me might just be the one that sets me free from all the other disordered ones. Funnily enough, fear found its way back into the mix, again.

So where do I go from here? I have to face my fears and rest. I’m not quite sure I know exactly what facing my fears looks like, but I do know that it involves letting go of various things: habits, compulsions, etc. Can I do this on my own? Maybe. Do I sometimes need help? Definitely. Is it easy? No. I have to work at it, like any true and real relationship or cause but first I have to let go. Letting go makes all the difference to me. Letting go of distractions and extra unnecessary things. In letting go I will rest more and in being more rested I will be able to more healthily face my fears.

I think I know now what I need to do this Lent…Let go of a few things and rest. In doing this I am confident that I will make the real commitments I need to make and in so doing I will be set free to love more deeply and be more loved.

Author: Max Von Schlehenried, Science Department