“Lord, I am afraid”
Then Judas, his betrayer, said in reply,
"Surely it is not I, Rabbi?"
He answered, "You have said so."
Recently, I was standing on the sidelines at my son’s first soccer game with a brand-new team of kids he didn’t know. At home, he had been so incredibly eager to put on his uniform. He told his brothers “I’m going to play soccer. My colors are green and white. I’m a Spartan!” The whole way to the field, he looked like he could just burst out of his five-point harness with excitement. But then, we were finally there, on the sidelines. The noise of several games going on at once surrounded him as he watched a sea of green and white uniforms chasing each other all over the field. Like a balloon slowly running out of air, my son seemed to shrink next to me and bury himself in my side. I knelt down beside him and asked why he wasn’t going out on the field. He whispered tentatively in my ear: “I am afraid.”
In today’s Gospel, Jesus is sitting at the Last Supper with his friends about to give them the most precious gift - Himself. A couple times during the meal (here and here), he broaches the subject of what his friends will do over the next couple days. Judas, in particular, adamantly denies that he would do anything to harm Jesus… even though Judas knows he has already set the plan in motion. Why does he lie? Some might say, like any good criminal, he is just giving his best poker face so his crime doesn’t get discovered before its implementation. To me, however, I think he lies out of fear. I think they all do - it is the same reason that some do not show up at the crucifixion and the same reason that Peter adamantly denies him three times. I wonder how the conversation at the Last Supper would have changed if instead of denial, Judas simply said, “Lord, I am afraid.”
In fact, perhaps many of our conversations would go quite a bit differently if, instead of judgement, denial, or condemnation, we admitted to one another our fear. Is it not fear that really is the source of so much of our pain?
That day on the soccer field, it took a special kind of bravery for my son to admit he was afraid. I understood how he felt. He was new, he was the only kid on the field with two bright blue hearing aids adorning his tiny ears, and the noises and sounds at the game were preventing him from being able to understand all the directions. He felt different. Judas, Peter, and the rest of the apostles felt different too… every time they were recognized as a follower of Jesus. But instead of admitting their fear, Judas and Peter denied it and therefore denied Jesus. If they could have just admitted to one another how scared they were - what would have come of it? If we, in turn, are able to acknowledge our fear to one another, what fruits would come?
So surprised and proud of my son for admitting how he felt, I stooped down and whispered back “I am scared too… but maybe we can do this thing together. It’ll be hard, but I promise you I’ll keep showing up and I’ll keep trying… if you do.”
Tonight, the members of the Junior class will receive their junior cross. This symbol of Christ placed around their neck carries with it not only our desire that they live their lives in imitation of Christ but also our commitment to stand with them - in their joy and in their sorrow, in their excitement and in their fear.
Congratulations, class of 2019. We look forward to walking with you through the next stage of your journey.
Author: Gretchen Crowder, Director of Campus Ministry
"Surely it is not I, Rabbi?"
He answered, "You have said so."
Recently, I was standing on the sidelines at my son’s first soccer game with a brand-new team of kids he didn’t know. At home, he had been so incredibly eager to put on his uniform. He told his brothers “I’m going to play soccer. My colors are green and white. I’m a Spartan!” The whole way to the field, he looked like he could just burst out of his five-point harness with excitement. But then, we were finally there, on the sidelines. The noise of several games going on at once surrounded him as he watched a sea of green and white uniforms chasing each other all over the field. Like a balloon slowly running out of air, my son seemed to shrink next to me and bury himself in my side. I knelt down beside him and asked why he wasn’t going out on the field. He whispered tentatively in my ear: “I am afraid.”
In today’s Gospel, Jesus is sitting at the Last Supper with his friends about to give them the most precious gift - Himself. A couple times during the meal (here and here), he broaches the subject of what his friends will do over the next couple days. Judas, in particular, adamantly denies that he would do anything to harm Jesus… even though Judas knows he has already set the plan in motion. Why does he lie? Some might say, like any good criminal, he is just giving his best poker face so his crime doesn’t get discovered before its implementation. To me, however, I think he lies out of fear. I think they all do - it is the same reason that some do not show up at the crucifixion and the same reason that Peter adamantly denies him three times. I wonder how the conversation at the Last Supper would have changed if instead of denial, Judas simply said, “Lord, I am afraid.”
In fact, perhaps many of our conversations would go quite a bit differently if, instead of judgement, denial, or condemnation, we admitted to one another our fear. Is it not fear that really is the source of so much of our pain?
That day on the soccer field, it took a special kind of bravery for my son to admit he was afraid. I understood how he felt. He was new, he was the only kid on the field with two bright blue hearing aids adorning his tiny ears, and the noises and sounds at the game were preventing him from being able to understand all the directions. He felt different. Judas, Peter, and the rest of the apostles felt different too… every time they were recognized as a follower of Jesus. But instead of admitting their fear, Judas and Peter denied it and therefore denied Jesus. If they could have just admitted to one another how scared they were - what would have come of it? If we, in turn, are able to acknowledge our fear to one another, what fruits would come?So surprised and proud of my son for admitting how he felt, I stooped down and whispered back “I am scared too… but maybe we can do this thing together. It’ll be hard, but I promise you I’ll keep showing up and I’ll keep trying… if you do.”
Tonight, the members of the Junior class will receive their junior cross. This symbol of Christ placed around their neck carries with it not only our desire that they live their lives in imitation of Christ but also our commitment to stand with them - in their joy and in their sorrow, in their excitement and in their fear.
Congratulations, class of 2019. We look forward to walking with you through the next stage of your journey.
Author: Gretchen Crowder, Director of Campus Ministry
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