Making Forgiveness Our Default Setting

During this Holy week, I am drawn towards writing about the value of forgiveness.

I often have difficulties discussing the challenges that I currently face (especially when it involves needing help from others). Most of the time, I project an image of having it all together and not needing assistance, even in the times when I need it most. It’s nothing major most of the time; a few weeks ago, though, it caused a rift in friendship that I’m working hard to repair.

Recently, I’ve had some difficulties with sleeping and one early Saturday morning, I was frustrated by not being able to drift back to sleep. After tossing and turning for a few hours, I decided to just go ahead and start my day. I met up with some friends and one of them expressed that I seemed “off” that day; the happy-go-lucky guy that they’re used to seeing was absent and a gloomy, stoic version of me sat in his place. Hearing my friends describe me in that way was jarring; instead of using this as an opportunity to open up about this particular challenge, I snapped at them. I assumed their attempts to help were affronts and the imperfections that I’d worked so hard to shield got the best of me. I could’ve used this as an opportunity to connect myself with people who clearly care. Unfortunately, this nugget of wisdom was came after. In the moment, I shielded. I defended and reacted instead of listening.

While we’ve had conversations in which I expressed my remorse and apologized, I have to accept that it may take time. When you already have difficulties discussing the tense moments in life, apologies become harder. Saying that you are sorry requires a deep sense of empathy; the genuine and reflective part of yourself has to identify a similar feeling to the one you caused and all of the potentially negative effects it had on the receiving party. You have to place yourself in their “emotional” shoes. They have a right to be mad, sad, frustrated, or any other feeling – but at the root of why they care enough to feel that way is love. They wouldn’t bother potentially sacrificing a friendship if they didn’t love me enough to do so.

We are all imperfect, and we are all loved. What could you sacrifice to show someone that they are loved? Scratch that. What could you sacrifice to make sure that the sun has a reason to keep shining? What could you sacrifice to give purpose to everything around you? What could your sacrifice to guarantee the eternal life & salvation of all peoples who have existed and who will ever exist? Our God chose his son. There’s something powerful about that.

Later this week, we will take ourselves through Jesus’ sacrifice for our sins. We will see the moments where people fell trap to the vices of the world. We will see them demonize and dehumanize a fellow human. We will see them watch the execution of a man who could do nothing but love them (by the way, that’s only half of the story). He gave us a roadmap – all we have to do is follow it. We can draw our strength to forgive from him. My hope is that this desire to forgive finds its way into our hearts. The world is quick to jump towards vice and slow to forgive – where might we be if this were flipped? How might we change if the default was to forgive?

Update: since I first wrote this reflection, I’ve had many a heart-to-heart with my friends. They understand. They care. They love me for all of my imperfections, quirks, and challenges. I’m learning to accept these imperfections.

Author: Imon Ferguson, Math Department